“Who Needs a Doctor”

By Kemper Brand

+ Another picturesque fall Saturday in Clemson had blessed us with another day of football. We had made it back to the tailgate in Lot 1 after the expected beat down of The Citadel (2013 I believe). The mood was relaxed and everyone was once again enjoying each others’ company and celebrating the end of another football season. We had resumed the usual flow of beverages and the afternoon felt like any other tailgate. 

I was under the tent in mid-conversation when Kevin Towe suddenly grabbed me yelling “hey some guy beside us collapsed!” We all look over and see a big man down on the ground. The words spewed out of my half-inebriated brain and mouth without thought or effort: “Who needs a doctor?!” In one sweeping motion that would have put Clark Kent to shame, the jacket split and was torn off and I jumped in/stumbled myself down beside the man. Word of advice: trying to help someone when you’ve been drinking is usually not helpful. In fact, I’m pretty sure I would have just partially collapsed onto and further injured the man if it hadn’t been for my physician uncle also getting down to him at the same time. A bystander reportedly witnessed the man briefly having seizure-like movements before collapsing (unknown whether he truly did but we went with it). Therefore our focus was protecting him in his post-seizure state. While my uncle was productive and helpful from what I recall, I was very much just in the way after my Superman intro. I turned out basically pinning him down to keep him from injuring himself after he came to very confused. 

An ambulance soon showed up and the man was safely escorted away in stable condition. His family abruptly left the tailgate of course, and in the process thanked us and indicated they were leaving their food. As they were pulling away, my wife delivered the punniest one-liner that still echoes into eternity: “Should we ‘seize’ their brownies?!”
One of many unspoken tailgating rules is don’t go trying to die at the tailgate. Idiots who have been drinking will try to help out and end up making you and themselves look worse than before! And your brownies will get seized. +